As children mature into those awkward ages of 12 and 13, parents often wonder: what has happened to my child? The sweet young girl has become snappy and moody; the bright-eyed young man inconsistent, fickle, catatonic. Welcome to a brave new world: Raising a Middle Schooler.
Parenting is only easy to those who have never parented. But God’s promises are always true, with an enduring Hope. The Lord prepares parents to train, equip, and disciple the young people entrusted to us, and the middle school years require a healthy dose of grace for both parents and children. Three encouragements for parents:
1. Embrace every stage – Whether toddler, teen, or college-level child, every stage brings wonderful blessings and distinct challenges. For various reasons the early teen years are fraught with impending battles involving responsibility, accountability, boundary testing. With a mindset that invites and welcomes the challenge, parents can better embrace these unique years. Consider them as opportunities to pursue joy in a way that makes us mature and complete, not lacking in anything (James 1:2-4).
2. Be the adult – Teens, and particularly students in the middle school years, have a keen ability to drain a parent’s attention and energy that wears us down. This can lead to a sense of defeat and defensiveness that results in playing at their level. Resist this. As author Paul David Tripp writes, “Don’t settle for grunts, groans, no eye contact, silences, and yeses or noes that are given without explanation. Be positive, friendly, and encouraging, but be persistent.” He also advises, “They [teenagers] will accuse you of not understanding. They will compare you to the parents of their friends. They will do all this because teenagers don’t tend to hunger for wisdom.” The understanding parent is wise to take the high road, modeling consistency and patience even when our teens fail to live up to these standards.
3. Practice “Saturation Love” – Author Jim Wilson writes, “Saturation love is different from adequate love, quality time, and quantity time. It includes the last two plus undivided attention.” Providing saturation love in the middle school years can be more difficult for parents because, frankly, our kids are less lovable. Writes Wilson, “We do not want to give hugs and attention to a whiner. We do not want to endorse bad behavior. That is true, but we are not endorsing bad behavior when we love our kids. We are curing it. Giving love is not giving in to the child’s dictations, but to his real need.” Our children need our time and attention – and our loving discipline – but always in an environment steeped in saturation love.
By bracing ourselves for the task at hand, bathing our decisions in prayer, and trusting in the sufficiency of the Lord, parents can embrace the tricky and often tumultuous years of middle school. The gold starts to shine through the dross, but it requires patient navigation as we recognize the sufficiency of God’s grace and His unconditional love toward us.
